'Good afternoon, Mr Wood's Fossils.'
Long pause, some mumbling and muffled sounds.
'Hello, is that Mr Dale?'
'Yes it is.'
'I am phoning from Microsoft, because our searches have found a problem with your Windows.'
'Yes sir. You have downloaded some malicious files which have caused viruses to appear on your computer, which have made it work more slowly. And they may destroy your files.'
'But I have anti-virus on my computer.'
'Sir, anti-virus is not enough, because new viruses are created all the time, and some may have got into your computer. We can help you with a great service. Are you in front of your computer?'
'Oh no. Well I don't want viruses on my computer. What can be done?'
'Sir I am phoning from Microsoft and we can provide you with a free service where we will check your computer for viruses and remove them for you.'
'Oh, that sounds good. Thank you. Should I post it to you? How long will it take? I use my computer quite a lot. Almost every day.'
'Sir, we are in America. Are you in front of your computer at the moment?'
'I am, but I can have it boxed up pretty quickly. What's your address? If I just put Microsoft, America, will that work? How long will you need, because I'd like back pretty quickly. What's your zip code? Do you have a zip code?'
'Sir.... sir it's 1585455. Sir, are you in front of your computer?'
'Microsoft, America 1585455. Ok, great. I will have it boxed up with lots of bubble wrap and in the post to you tomorrow morning, but please - once you've removed the viruses can you get it back in the mail to me as soon as possible? I'll put a return address label in the box. Thanks for you help with this - I have to go now.'